The Walnuts Page 6

  “Well, then it’s time I make some amends,” he announced. “What about Wanda?”

  “We’re picking her up on the way,” said Martha, hanging up the phone.

  “Geez, Mother, do you think it’s a good idea letting Ricky go up to Red’s?” asked Danielle, who had been with Martha the whole time.

  *

  Jed and Ricky had returned to Rancho de Los Retardos and walked into the family room. The Countess was not with them.

  “What’d you do with the drunk?” Martha asked suspiciously.

  “Ricky called his buddy, Ross, at work,” said Jed, “and said he had this hot chick for him. Ross got excited and said it was okay to just drop her off at his condo.”

  “Ross,” said Martha. “Is that the guy that lives at the hoity-toity, big shot country club he’s always bragging about?”

  “Yup,” said Ricky.

  “Oh, they’re going to love her there!” Martha started laughing so hard she had to hold her stomach.

  “Poor Mulva,” lamented Ricky, “she’s had it rough, you know. You just couldn’t understand. She was raised in a palace with servants and all her needs were met. Then she married a Duke or something. She spent most of her life in opulence, and then it was all taken away. Now she has to get along as well as she can. It’s not easy, you know. You should have more compassion for the downtrodden.”

  “What? Oh, paallease!” exclaimed Jed. “Since when do you have any compassion for anyone, whether they may be living in opulence or under a bridge?”

  “Oh, he’s figuring there might be something in it for him,” added Danielle.

  “Bingo!” shouted Heather.

  “I’m hurt that you all think that way! It was your fault. We just came down to enjoy ourselves and didn’t expect any problems.”

  “What?” asked Jed. “You bring a woman that has a serious drinking problem, and you don’t expect trouble?”

  “She was completely sober until you guys upset her and caused her to drink.”

  “And how the hell did we upset her?” asked Martha.

  “You accused her of stealing food.”

  “She was certainly helping herself to most of it,” added Jed.

  “It was for her people,” Ricky said sincerely.

  “What?” shouted Jed. “And I repeat, since when have you been concerned about anybody?”

  Ricky stood tall and spoke with great conviction, “I take offense that everyone thinks that I don’t have a heart.”

  Danielle laughed. “You don’t, so why should you be offended?” she asked.

  Ricky, realizing there was nothing to gain in this direction, switched gears. “Well, I certainly will be more careful of who I bring around here from now on!” he said and stomped off.

  “I can’t wait for the next looney,” said Martha.

  Chapter 7

  John and Danielle were sitting on a bench next to the meandering lake. The bench was under a massive cottonwood tree.

  “What do you think of Rancho de Los Retardos?” she asked him.

  “It is impressive,” he said. “Your parents do not mind that the name indicates retarded people live here?”

  “Mind? No, they’re the ones that made it up. Come on, I’ll show you around.”

  She grabbed his hand.

  “I remember last night you mentioned your wedding was chaotic,” said John.

  Danielle smiled at him. “I’m surprised you remember anything. Oh, my second, yeah, but my first of many was a mess too. I was just sixteen. My parents always accuse us kids of embarrassing them, but they do their share to put us in similar situations, I can guarantee. However, they don’t see it that way. My parents’ marriage was declared doomed from the start by all the relatives, but ironically all those people remarried many times over and my father and mother are still together.”

  As they walked toward the citrus grove at the back of the property, Danielle said, “So, John, tell me about yourself.”

  “There is not much to tell,” he said as they arrived at a large grapefruit tree loaded down with fruit.

  Danielle stopped walking and faced John down. “Look, you can’t expect to pump us and then not contribute anything about yourself.”

  “Compared to a Walnut, my life is embarrassingly simple. I have nothing to contribute in the way of humor.”

  “It can’t be that bad.”

  “Oh, but it is.”

  “How is that possible?”

  “I was born in an extremely conservative atmosphere. All these experiences with you and your family were unknown. Until now, I thought it was not possible.”

  “My mother’s right, you’re bullshitting . . . and sidestepping the truth.”

  “I do not know what to say.”

  “Where were you born?” She looked serious.

  “You have never heard of it.”

  “Try me.” She stepped into the grass behind the grapefruit tree and there was a furious rattling sound. Danielle froze.

  “John,” she said in a whisper, “it’s a rattlesnake, don’t move.”

  But John moved quickly, stepping to the side of Danielle, then slightly forward, right toward the snake. He stopped, bent over, and when the snake struck, grabbed it behind the head and stood up. The snake went limp, hanging like a rope.

  “Jesus, John, what the hell are you doing?” yelled Danielle.

  “They are not too fast, are they?”

  “Those things are really poisonous.”

  John was looking at the snake closely, prying its mouth open with his thumbnail. “Yes, I can see it has some nasty looking fangs all right, but you just scared it.” He walked a short distance and put the snake down. It slithered slowly into the tall grass.

  “Where did you come from?” she exclaimed. “I’ve never seen anyone move so quick.”

  “It was the snake that was slow. Really, it is nothing.”

  “Look, John, or whoever you are, I don’t like anybody pulling my strings. Either you level with me or take a hike.” She turned and stomped off, leaving John standing there alone.

  *

  John headed back to the house not sure how to proceed. He couldn’t tell the truth because he had committed to a policy from his superiors and nobody would believe him anyway. The Walnuts already called him Space John, and he couldn’t tell them how close to the truth they really were.

  He was walking up from the lake when he heard shouting from inside the house. Heather was sitting outside on the porch when he walked up.

  “What?” shouted Jed from inside. “I can’t believe you took that!”

  “Sounds like your grandparents are having an argument,” said John.

  “Nah, they’re just playing cards,” said Heather. “Grandma is the Gin Queen. Nobody can beat her, and Grandpa gets really frustrated.”

  “What?” hollered Jed again. “Why the hell are you taking that card?”

  John looked inside through the screen as Martha said calmly, “Because . . . I’m playing ‘Gin!’” She threw one card onto a pile and laid the rest down face-up on the table.

  “What?” howled Jed even louder. “I can’t believe it! You just took that card and you didn’t even need it!”

  “If you’d learn how to play the game, you wouldn’t have to get so mad,” said Martha.

  “What? If you weren’t so damn lucky!” He threw down the cards and got up. “I’ve got things to do. I can’t sit around here all day wasting my time.”

  “Oh, go do your stuff. I’m tired of beating you anyway.”

  “Grandma’s the Gin Queen,” repeated Heather.

  “That’s because she’s so damn lucky,” Jed said as he headed past them to his workshop out at the back of the ranch.

  *

  Danielle came into the family room and sat down opposite Martha.

  “Nut Head is out getting the Nut Mobile and camper ready for the trip,” Martha said. “That ‘idiot’ out there still want to go?” She was referring to John.


  Heather shouted back into the house, “Grandma, be nice!”

  “Ask him,” Danielle told Martha.

  “John!” Martha shouted out to the porch. “Get your sorry ass in here!”

  “We’re discussing the trip I was telling you about,” Danielle told him. “Still sure you want to go after what you’ve seen already?” She seemed to have forgotten being annoyed at him.

  “Yes, I find all this interesting, except for the alcohol. And I will get to meet another Walnut.”

  “Yeah, you get to meet Wanda, the hippie Walnut,” said Danielle, laughing.

  “The silly Walnut is more like it,” Martha said. “We have to stop at her place and get a few things straightened out with the house.”

  “What’s wrong with it now?” asked Danielle.

  “Everything! Your father is such an idiot. That thing is costing us a bundle.”

  “Dad is notorious for spending two dollars to save one,” Danielle told John.

  “What?” exclaimed Jed, walking in with Ricky. “That’s not true!”

  “Oh yeah?” asked Martha, laughing. “All the stores in town know you well. They see you coming and throw a reduced-price sign on something and you think you’re getting a bargain so you buy it even though you don’t need it. And they never even changed the price in the first place.”

  “What? You’re exaggerating a little.”

  “Oh, and why is it we have fifteen cameras and you haven’t taken a picture in twenty years?”

  “They’re good cameras,” he declared. “They’ll be worth a lot someday, you’ll see.”

  “You won’t live to see it.”

  Just then Danielle’s phone began ringing but she didn’t answer it.

  “Why don’t you answer your phone?” Martha asked.

  “Because she knows it is Pooool Boooy,” Heather answered for her.

  “Stop making fun of people,” Danielle snapped.

  “Who’s this Pool Boy character?” asked Martha.

  “Just a friend,” said Danielle.

  *

  Jed shouted from inside the kitchen a moment later, “Danielle! There’s a call for you!”

  “Who is it?” she asked.

  “I don’t know, I’m not your service.”

  “Oh for—” Danielle got up and went to the kitchen.

  “Who’s this Pool Boy?” Martha asked Heather.

  “Another one of Mother’s dreamboats,” she replied.

  “This guy cleans pools, and she’s interested in him?” Martha sounded miffed.

  “He claims to be an entrepreneur and a fabulously successful businessman,” said Heather.

  “Then why’s he cleaning pools?” commented Jed from inside.

  “Beats me,” said Heather. “I don’t think he cleans all that many, though. He stands by ours in the morning waiting for Mother to leave. And if she doesn’t, he doesn’t. Same thing at night.”

  “Sounds like a weirdo to me. Has anyone checked him out?” asked Martha.

  “Sounds like another knuckle-dragger,” added Jed.

  *

  “How did you get this number?”

  Everyone could hear Danielle’s conversation because she had walked near the open window.

  “No, I don’t answer my cell phone every time it rings . . . If I don’t feel like it, I don’t. Is something wrong there? . . . Then why are you calling? . . . Oh, we’ll be gone for quite some time . . . You can call me on my cell, if you must.”

  Danielle hung up and went back outside.

  “Who was that?” asked Martha, winking at Heather.

  “Nobody important,” said Danielle, not taking the bait.

  *

  Danielle, Heather, Jed, and John were talking on the porch while Martha was in the kitchen cleaning up. A bunch of ducks were swimming along the edge of the lake, coming closer.

  “You leave her alone!” Martha shouted from the open window.

  “Leave who alone?” Jed turned to the window, but Martha was already coming out with a broom.

  “You get the hell off her!” Martha raced across the porch, holding the broom with both hands.

  “Mother,” said Danielle, laughing, “have you gone cuckoo?”

  Martha was off the porch and headed for the lake.

  A male duck was trying to mate with one of the females. He held the female underwater with his bill, trying to mount her. Martha was at the water’s edge with the broom, trying to get the male off, but he just pushed the female into deeper water and continued his amorous intent.

  “Mother, it’s just a duck-fuck, leave them alone,” said Danielle, laughing.

  “Goddamn men!” Martha yelled, wading into the water. “That’s no way to treat a lady!”

  Martha was up to her knees in the water, reaching out with the broom to get the male off. “Oh shit!” she yelped as she lost her footing on the slippery lake bottom and went under, still holding the broom.

  The ducks started quacking loudly and flapped away. Even the male gave up on his mating attempt.

  Martha splashed to the surface, still gripping the broom. It had gotten under her and she was straddling it, hanging on with one hand and trying to paddle to shore with the other.

  “Look, everybody, a water witch!” yelled Heather, pointing.

  Everyone started laughing.

  “You sons-a-bitches,” sputtered Martha, which made everyone laugh even harder.

  “Dad, . . . you’d better . . . go . . . help . . . her,” Danielle said in a strangled voice, having a hard time getting the words out.

  Jed, laughing as hard as everybody, got up and started down toward the water.

  “I’ve got to get my camera,” Heather said, getting up to run inside.

  Jed heard her from halfway down to the lake and swung around fast. “Are you nuts!” he yelled. “The quicker this is forgotten, the better.”

  Danielle went to intercept Heather.

  They returned moments later, Heather without her camera and a disappointed look on her face.

  Jed had gotten Martha out of the lake, but then she slipped on the grass because her feet were still slick with lake mud. She landed hard on her rear.

  “Get away from me!” she yelled at Jed, who was trying to help her up. Jed backed off, letting her get to her feet by herself. She crossed the grass and stomped across the porch, muddy, mad, and dripping water. “If I hear so much as a chuckle, there is going to be hell to pay.”

  “I’ve got some things to do in town,” said Jed, “and I suggest we all go.”

  The porch cleared immediately.

  *

  “I hope that duck has the sense to go north early this year,” Jed said, driving down the road.

  “Yeah,” said Danielle, “I for one do not care for duck soup.”

  Jed, Heather, and Danielle burst out laughing. John just smiled.

  Chapter 8

  All the Walnuts gathered in the parking area the next morning ready for their trip.

  “Here’s what we figured,” Martha informed everyone. “Ricky and Danielle, with Space John, will take our camper with the bed. Nut Head’s got the inside of the camper full, so he tied the mattress and box spring on top. It should be no problem.”

  “Uh oh. ‘No problem’ promises the head Walnut, so we be screwed now!” Danielle added, laughing. “What are you taking a bed to a wedding for?”

  “We’re giving it to Wanda,” said Martha. “Besides, you’ll have something to sleep on. No telling what critters live in what they consider a bed.”

  “That’s a true story,” said Danielle. “What about John?”

  “If he’s got a problem, you figure something out. And besides,” snorted Martha, “he’s a drunken fool, so why should he get any consideration at all? He ruined the party.”

  “Oh, Mother, you’re the talk of the town by now. You should be thankful.”

  “If you think I relish—”

  “Oh phuut,” Danielle interrupted, “the Walnuts do not
disappoint people, Mother.”

  Martha laughed.

  “Only worried about yourself, as usual,” said Ricky.

  “You’re one to talk,” said Martha. “Look what we had to go through with your guest.”

  “That’s the problem with this family.” Ricky raised his voice, flinging his arms up in frustration and directing the whole scene for John’s benefit. “Something goes a little wrong and they never let you forget.”

  “What?” shouted Jed. “You’re wrong about that! We forget right away because with you it is something new ‘immediately’, and they are never just small deals.”

  “I’m not sure I want to drive ‘your’ camper for you now, not for nothing anyway,” Ricky told Jed.

  “Meaning?”

  “I’ll need some gas money if you expect me to do this.”

  “There’s enough to get to Old Woman Springs Road. You know the old place just past the turn off. We’ll meet there and I’ll fill both tanks. Then you won’t need any.”

  “What about food?”

  “You’re the expert, con somebody else for it.”

  “I resent that,” Ricky said and sulked off.

  “Your brother is really offended. It sounds like he might not go,” said John.

  “Oh, it’s all part of the game,” explained Danielle. “He works everybody, and if he doesn’t get his way, so what? Believe me; he doesn’t waste any time feeling sorry for himself. He’s already off on a new angle.”

  “Your father and I will take Heather with us in the motor home,” Martha said, continuing with the plans.

  *

  “You’ll love this place,” Danielle told John. She was sitting between him and Ricky as they drove up to a dilapidated bar, restaurant, and gas station out in the middle of the desert.

  “Why do they insist on coming out here anyway?” asked Ricky.

  “I don’t know, trying to reclaim their youth maybe,” she said. “Well, at least we won’t have to wait around. There’s the motor home.”

  “I see your father over there,” said John, pointing to the side of the building.

  Jed was coming out of the bathroom and heading toward the front of the building. Another old man went into the men’s room.

  “I can’t believe he’d use those disgusting bathrooms,” Danielle said. “The last time I went into the ladies room here, I almost gagged, and that was ten years ago. I can’t imagine how bad they must be by now.”

  They parked next to the motor home as Martha stepped out.

  “That old fool has been in that bathroom forever, and I’m not going to sit and wait. We need to get this show on the road.” Martha complained, stomping off. She stormed up to the battered old door to the men’s room and banged her fist against it. “You come out of there now! You hear me, you son-of-a-bitch?”