The Walnuts Page 8

“That’s one of the things I like about you,” Martha returned quickly, “you never give up, no matter how long it takes.”

  Jed looked away, a sparkle in his eyes.

  Steve didn’t say anything.

  “It’s a tough job market out there,” said Martha indicating outside with her thumb. “Especially if you’re known to be undependable.”

  “Okay,” Jed jumped in, “let’s order some drinks!”

  *

  While Martha drank her beer, she periodically looked over at Steve, planning to retarget him, but the family deflected her. Jed kept looking to the doors from the kitchen, thinking if the food came in time she might forget about shellacking Steve.

  *

  “Mother,” Wanda asked while the waitress distributed the food. “What’s going on at the ranch?”

  “We don’t have much more planned, maybe a gazebo out on the lake,” she said, then turned to Jed, giving him the Walnut Glare. “if we have any money left after this fiasco up here is fixed.”

  Wanda quickly tried to change the subject. “I hope it’s not one of those cold winters. They’re pretty but too long.”

  “It’s going to be especially cold if you’re living outside,” answered Martha.

  “Eat your food,” said Jed.

  “I’d think these two,” Martha pointed to Steve and Wanda, “would be concerned about possibly having to live in the woods.”

  “That’s a little far-fetched,” said Steve.

  Martha leaned forward over the table. “You have a plan if you get the plug pulled on you?”

  “I don’t want to get into anything with you, Martha.” Steve was holding his voice down. “The food is especially good here.”

  “You don’t seem to be in the mood for a discussion,” Martha prodded him. “What’s the problem, you don’t get to come here often?”

  She still hadn’t touched her food, but Jed was eating like he expected to be out the door at any moment.

  “I come here all the time,” said Steve, his mouth full.

  “Bullshit,” Martha scoffed. “Jed’s the only one dumb enough to pick up your check. You’re too well-known in these parts.”

  A man, unfamiliar to the Walnuts, walked up to the table and said, almost as if on cue, “Steve, haven’t seen you in a long time. What brings you in here?”

  “A free meal!” shouted Martha. She stood up and stared down at Steve. “Ha! See, I told you. You’re busted.”

  “I don’t have to take this!” he shouted.

  “You’re right, you don’t, so leave,” said Martha, leaning forward.

  “I haven’t finished my meal yet,” he growled.

  “I say you have!” she shouted.

  Martha grabbed his plate with both hands and in one motion sent his enchiladas straight at his head. Steve quickly dodged the plateful of rich red sauce and sticky cheese, but a fellow sitting with his back to the fracas had no chance to see what was coming. Jed, seeing the launch, quickly filled his fork with the burrito he was eating.

  Moments later the owner stormed over to their table. “I thought I knew you people! I’ve had trouble with you before!” he stated, and then he threw the Walnuts out.

  *

  “We didn’t even last an hour,” said Danielle, standing on the sidewalk.

  “That son of a bitch wouldn’t let me finish my beer!” hollered Martha. “I’m never coming back to this place!”

  “I’m still hungry,” added Heather.

  “Get some food from Ricky, he took everything in doggie bags,” said Jed, looking over the lengthy bill.

  “It’s paid for, so I think they owe us that much,” said Ricky.

  “How bout it, Uncle Ricky, what’cha got in there?” asked Heather.

  “I’m the one that went to all the trouble, and now you want to share?” he asked.

  “Who would have thought a guy would be wearing an expensive jacket in a dump like this?” Jed grumbled, fretting about the cost of replacing the jacket ruined by the Enchiladas.

  “I need a beer!” shouted Martha.

  “Oh, shut up for Christ’s sake,” growled Jed. “Do you know how much this cost me?”

  “Always worried about a damn dime,” said Martha.

  “What? You have no concept of what a dime is!”

  “I’ll give you a dime’s worth of my wrath, and then you’ll have a pretty good idea.”

  Jed shook his head and returned his attention to the bill.

  The owner came outside, pointing at Ricky and shouting, “Now I remember! You’re the one that my Emelda ran off with!”

  “You’re wrong, sir!” Danielle stepped in. “She didn’t go with my brother. She was running behind our car when we left town.”

  “She never came back to me,” lamented the owner.

  Danielle moved over to him. “I’m sorry. Honest, the last we saw her was when we drove over the hill.”

  “She never came back,” he cried.

  “She must have a great set of legs,” commented Heather. “Sounds like she just kept on going.”

  Jed gave Heather the Walnut Glare.

  “Yes, I seem to remember that very thing,” said Ricky.

  Jed gave Ricky the same look.

  “Why do you do that to women?” Wanda asked.

  “Do what?”

  “Talk them into taking a chance with you, and then running away.”

  “It gives them hope.”

  “What?” added Jed, looking at Ricky with disgust. “You’re the last thing any woman hopes for.”

  Chapter 10

  “I’m getting sick of Steve clinging to you and pouting just because we’re here,” Danielle told Wanda, sitting in the kitchen the next morning with John. “When I go to the store I’ll get some Parmesan, and we’ll have some fun with him.”

  Wanda laughed. “Brilliant, that always works.”

  “Parmesan? Isn’t that a type of cheese?” asked John.

  “Yeah,” said Danielle.

  “When you get tired of his childish behavior, cheese can work?”

  “Ooh yeah,” Danielle and Wanda said in unison.

  “Who’s being childish?” asked Heather, walking in.

  “Oh, your Uncle Steve. He’s pouting because we’re all here,” said Danielle.

  “Well, just get some Parmesan.” Heather laughed briefly, and then looked annoyed. “Mother, your cell has been ringing and ringing and ringing.”

  “Where’s Babad Bob?” Wanda asked Danielle.

  “At home. He’s all pissed off because I wouldn’t let him come on this trip.”

  “I still do not understand,” said John. “I mean, if he is your boyfriend . . .”

  “Bob and Wanda, especially, don’t like each other,” Danielle said.

  “Especially?” asked Wanda. “I’d like to see him dead and buried.”

  “Oh, come on, he’s not that bad.”

  “His eyes spin in different directions.”

  “That’s cause he’s certifiably nuts,” said Heather.

  “Good morning, snot. Another day starts off with a kind word from a horrible teenager.”

  “Not! And Grandpa and Grandma can’t stand him either.”

  “You guys are just sticking up for Ricky.” She turned to John. “Ricky and Bob got into a hassle over a missing ring, and now Bob’s the jerk in their eyes.”

  “John, he’s friggin’ weird,” said Wanda. “I tell you, I can see it in his eyes. More coffee?”

  “No, thanks. I had too much yesterday and I had sparks flying between my fingertips.”

  “John!” said Danielle. “You told a joke. My God, everyone, Space John is among us.” She lifted her empty mug and shook it at Wanda. “Bob’s not that bad,” she said as Wanda filled her mug. “He just tries to defend himself, and you guys are so vicious.”

  “He’s gonna catch on fire someday,” said Wanda.

  “We just joke about it,” Danielle told John. “I mean, he’s really intense, for sure, but it
couldn’t really happen.”

  “Yes, it can,” said Heather. “Because of spontaneous combustion. The over stimulation of the nervous system can cause heat to build up, and then cause combustion in the fat molecules, and that would be Bob.”

  “Ah,” said Danielle, “where do you get this stuff?”

  “Actually, she’s partly right,” said John.

  Everyone suddenly looked at him.

  “I mean, I heard the same thing somewhere,” he said quickly, trying to back out of the conversation.

  “I know stress can damage the immune system,” said Danielle, “but as far as catching on fire . . .”

  “Arguing is stress to the max,” said Wanda, “and all you and Babad Bob do is argue.”

  “We argue about you guys,” Danielle said.

  “Well, stress is the worst possible thing for you,” said Wanda. “Everyone knows it’s unhealthy, and it destroys your immune system, so there.”

  “I was wondering what happened to my immune system,” said Jed as he walked into the kitchen, tilting his nose up. “What were you discussing fire for?”

  “We were telling John about Babad Bob,” said Heather. “How he’s going to burst into flames someday.”

  “Wouldn’t surprise me a bit. That idiot is wound way too tight.” He looked at Danielle. “Your cell phone is ringing again.”

  “Pool Boy,” said Heather.

  “Who’s Pool Boy?” asked Wanda.

  “Another gem from “The House of Danielle”,” Jed commented.

  Danielle gave her father the Walnut Glare, the one that warned there would be trouble if the direction didn’t change.

  “What are we going to do about this house?” asked Wanda, sensing the need to change the subject.

  “Why are you asking me?” asked Jed.

  “Dad, that’s the reason you came here. This house needs to be fixed,” said Wanda. “You’re the owner, so I’d think—”

  Martha walked into the room. “What would you think?”

  “We were talking about the house,” said Wanda.

  “The house that Jack built is a pile of junk,” said Martha.

  “Now, Mother, it has a certain charm,” said Danielle.

  “I’m afraid to flush the loo,” returned Martha.

  “There is nothing wrong with the toilets!” said Wanda.

  “What?” Jed shouted. “Nothing wrong? You can’t use any paper in them.”

  “Steve and his buddy got a real good price on the pipe. It was just the wrong size,” said Wanda.

  Jed picked some papers up off the counter. “What’s this citation from the county?”

  “Which one?” asked Wanda.

  “‘Improper septic disposal.’”

  “Something about the septic tank,” said Wanda.

  “It doesn’t work right? . . . It’s the wrong one? . . . What?”

  “There isn’t one,” she said quietly.

  “What? I distinctly remember giving you the money for the septic system. I have the canceled check at home.”

  “They were so expensive, so Steve figured we could do without.”

  “And spent the money!” Jed exclaimed. “So, where does all the sewage go?”

  “Down to the stream,” she said, almost in a whisper.

  “What?” he hollered even louder. “And you didn’t think anybody would notice when your turds went floating by. My God, do you realize how much this is going to cost?”

  “We had the proper permit. Steve’s buddy from the county signed it off.”

  “Where is this guy? I need to talk to him.”

  Jed took his pen out, ready to get the information.

  “I don’t think it would do any good,” said Wanda.

  “I’ll be the judge of that,” he said, still ready with the pen.

  “He’s in prison.”

  Jed wasted no time. “Okay, next item. ‘Improper main electrical panel.’ Explain this one, please.”

  “That big, gray box thingy was supposed to be outside,” she explained.

  “Yeah?” Jed waited for an answer. Getting nothing, he finally asked, “And where is it?”

  Wanda shrugged. “In the parlor.”

  “What? What’s it doing in there?”

  “Well, you know how much it snows up here, and how cold it gets. I just figured it would be easier to read if it was inside.”

  “You don’t have to read it!” Jed threw his arms up. “The people from the power company do that!”

  “I know, but the old guy used to like to come inside and smoke a joint with us.”

  Jed just stared at Wanda, apparently stymied.

  “That makes sense,” said Danielle, a neutral look on her face.

  “The house that Jack built,” said Martha, shaking her head.

  “How come there isn’t any hot water?” asked Heather.

  “The hot and cold pipes got mixed up somewhere,” said Wanda.

  “Have you tried to find out where?” asked Jed.

  “Of course,” Wanda responded indignantly. “We’ve gone over all the pipes. Do you think we haven’t tried to fix “anything”?”

  Jed sighed. “Well, what’s the problem?”

  “The problem is that the problem is inside the walls . . . somewhere,” said Wanda, shrugging again.

  “Oh, Christ,” said Jed.

  “The house that Jack built,” added Martha.

  The last to wake up, Ricky finally joined them in the kitchen.

  “I couldn’t open my window last night,” he said

  “Weeell, . . .” said Wanda, hesitating to finish her thought.

  “Come on, spit it out,” demanded Jed.

  “The guy that put in the windows put them in backwards,” she finally admitted.

  Danielle laughed, nearly choking on her coffee. “Backwards?”

  “Yeah, the locks are on the outside,” said Wanda.

  “Well, that certainly explains why you’ve been having trouble with break-ins,” said Martha, shaking her head and laughing incredulously.

  “I guess so.” Wanda sounded miffed by everything going against her.

  “Every time they leave,” Danielle told John, “somebody comes and steals all their food.”

  “I can’t believe how much this is going to cost,” said Jed.

  “I told you not to just give them the money,” said Martha, disgusted, “but no, you were convinced they knew what they were doing. The house that Ja—”

  “Will you stop with the “Jack shit”!” he shouted.

  “Well, if the shoe fits!” Martha glared at Jed.

  “What does it mean the house that Jack built?” asked John.

  “The guys that built it were jack-offs, or jackasses. Take your pick,” Danielle told him.

  “And we can safely put an X in that box,” stated Martha.

  “Blaming everybody is not going to—,” Jed started to say.

  “Oh no, don’t try to duck this one,”—Martha pointed at Jed—“you’re “it”! How the hell they managed to pull the wool so far over your eyes, I can’t imagine.”

  “He was very impressed with the contractor that night,” said Danielle. “They set him up good.”

  “What do you know about this?” demanded Martha.

  “I was with them,” she said. “We went down to the bar to meet Steve’s buddy, the contractor, and . . .”

  Jed gave Danielle the Walnut Glare, but she just glared right back at him.

  “And what?” demanded Martha. She had that look on her face that said this was not going away until she was satisfied.

  “I doubt if your recollections are going to be entirely correct,” proclaimed Jed, looking at Danielle, hoping to duck the consequences.

  “I was the only sober one there,” said Danielle, laughing.

  “What did the old fool do?” asked Martha.

  “He didn’t do anything except sign on the dotted line,” said Danielle, “but they were feeding him beers, and Steve’s bu
ddy’s girlfriend was sitting on his lap.”

  “You men are all so stupid!” yelled Martha. “I suppose she was some kind of looker?”

  “She was,” confirmed Danielle. “Big knockers too.”

  “Figures. So they got your pecker hard and of course you signed right up,” she scolded. “What’re you going to do now?”

  “I’m on it!” Jed shouted. “I’ve got a guy coming in a couple of hours to straighten this whole mess out,” he declared and stalked out of the room.

  “This guy is probably bringing the same dame they used on the old fool the last time,” said Martha. “The word gets around up here.”

  Everybody laughed.

  *

  “Danielle,” Wanda yelled from inside, “there’s a call for you.”

  Danielle got up and went inside.

  “Who would be calling her here?” Martha asked.

  “Pooool Boooy,” said Heather.

  “How’d he get this number?”

  “Mother gave it to him.” Heather shook her head. “He promised to watch our place while we’re gone, water the plants and everything.”

  “He’s probably there right now, running around the living room with a pair of your panties over his head,” said Ricky, standing in the doorway.

  “Oh my God!” screamed Heather. “Mother!” she hollered and ran inside.

  “That wasn’t very nice,” said Martha.

  “I was just kidding.”

  *

  “Ricky!” shouted Danielle, coming to the door. “That wasn’t funny! Heather is really upset.”

  “I was just kidding her,” he said, laughing.

  “Yeah, well, Ferkle isn’t too happy about the joke either.”

  “Ferkle?”

  “Yes, Ferkle, the one you accused of wearing Heather’s underwear.”

  “I didn’t accuse anyone; I was just making a joke.”

  “Well, he is an extremely serious, responsible person, and you upset him greatly.”

  Jed came around the corner of the porch. “What? This is the guy that spends all day cleaning your pool, waiting for your appearance, and we’re talking responsible?”

  “Every time I see him, he is hard at work,” Danielle stated.

  “Have you ever heard of him cleaning another pool?” asked Martha, on the verge of laughing.

  “Ferkle is a very sweet guy that just wants to be helpful and is asking nothing in return.” Danielle sounded annoyed and went back inside.

  “Here we go again,” said Jed, “she’s turned over another rock.”

  “Yeah, another knight in shining tinfoil!” said Martha.

  *

  “I can smell that stinky sock cheese!” Steve shouted. “Why do you do this to me?”

  “Oh, lighten up for Christ’s sake,” Wanda said as Steve ran out of the kitchen.