Billy Palmer Read online



  Billy Palmer

  Copyright 2002 Ron Zastre

  Prelude

  Vietnam was a frustrating experience for America. She got herself into a far off war that ate up her young men and woman for no apparent gains or motive. Sick of the carnage, Americans went looking for a scapegoat, and in many cases the same soldiers that were fighting and dying were singled out.

  Chapter 1

  Low dark clouds raced across the sky driven by a bone chilling wind, accentuating the cold dreary day. The raw wind moaned through the branches of the bare trees, tumbling the last of the fallen leaves along the ground. With its lonesome call, a crow hidden among the big trees in the back of the old cemetery added to the somber mood. Toward the front, a small gathering of people stood around an open grave, the cold wind pulling at their warm clothing. The crow’s persistent calling caught the attention of one of the group, a fiftyish looking man in a long gray overcoat, his head bare. He turned his head in the direction of the bird’s call looking deep into the gloomy, old graveyard.

  I’m glad this isn’t way back there, his thought paused, it’s depressing enough out here.

  He looked up to the sky and sighed.

  Winter’s coming, I can smell the snow. He just barely registered what the minister was saying, something about ‘ashes to dust.’

  Jesus, what a hell of a place to end up. We goofed around in here for years, and now he’s going to be here forever. The man shuddered at the irony.

  The parson closed the book and nodded to the two men standing back from the official proceedings. Shovels in their hands, they moved forward to the open grave, as the cleric turned and walked away. The two men began shoveling dirt into the grave. The sound of the dirt hitting the casket made the man in the overcoat turn from the sound of the crow and stare at the open grave. The man shuddered again and pulled his arms tight to his side, trying to keep the cold dreariness away from his body. There was a pretty blond woman at his side, her arm through his. She leaned closer and rested her head on his shoulder, looking up into his face,

  “Honey, it’s cold, let’s go,” the woman said.

  The man was silent, a tear forming at the corner of one of his eyes.

  “Honey,” the woman said again, “I’m getting really cold.” She pulled tighter to the man and shivered.

  The man slowly looked down to her and spoke. “What happened here? Why did it end this way?”

  “Manny, let it go. He just didn’t fit in,” the woman said.

  “Why? Something cause that? What happened?” Manny said his voice choking. “I remember when we were kids; we were all such good friends.”

  “Stop it!” the woman interrupted.

  “Cassey, don’t you see? We were a part of this.” Manny pointed to the grave.

  “I don’t see anything, except we’re standing out in the freezing cold, and you’re trying to find someone to blame for Billy being dead,” Cassey said annoyed, “and you know what? It had nothing to do with either of us. Billy had the opportunities and he didn’t take them. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his, so don’t even think of trying to hang it on me.”

  “I’m sure he loved you all his life. He never forgot losing you.”

  “For christ sakes Manny, that was years ago. We were kids. You and I have been together a hell of a lot longer, worked through many issues, and made a family. Billy and I had a relationship that was based on the back seat of an old car.”

  “Why didn’t he ever find someone else then?”

  “I don’t know!” Cassey’s raised voice caused the Minister to turn and look, but the two men filling the grave didn’t, like this sort of thing accompanied all burials.

  “Maybe he did, and we just never knew about it,” she added quietly.

  “Doesn’t it seem strange to you?” Manny asked. “When we were kids, we were such an important part of each other’s lives. Now, all of a sudden, we’re standing here and thirty years has gone by, and we know nothing about Billy or who he became.”

  “Look, he was the one that left to go to that silly, fucked-up war. He left, and I turned to you. To you Manny. Yeah, I loved him, and to tell you the truth I didn’t like seeing him lowered into the ground just now because he never did anything bad to me, he just left. I went on with my life, and he went on with his. It’s not my fault that his didn’t turn out so hot.”

  “Whose fault was it? That’s what I can’t get out of my mind,” Manny said with great sadness surrounding his person. Manny was a handsome man, distinguish looking, well dressed, but the sad look on his face made him look old, beaten.

  “Christ, I’ve never seen you look like this before. What is wrong with you?” Cassey asked concerned, looking into Manny’s eyes. “You’ve been to funerals before; don’t let this one get to you.”

  “I’ve never felt responsible before. Death happens, but I can’t get over feeling it was my fault this time, somehow?”

  “Why does it have to be anyone’s fault?” Cassey returned. “Life is life, and now he’s dead, that’s it, boo who!

  “Boo who, that’s all you can come up with? That’s your rational; something happened to Billy? I don’t know if it was the war, or after, but he wasn’t the same?”

  “It was probably all the drugs,” Cassey countered. “Shit, those guys pickled their brains. Not that I blame them. It was screwed up, and they knew it. I probably would have done the same thing, you too by the way.”

  “He wasn’t messed up on drugs. How can you say that? When he got back, we had the pot. Billy said he heard about it over there, but never tried it. Shit, the first time he ever smoked any was with Art Jensen and me. I’m fairly sure that the drug thing in Vietnam was after Billy’s time.”

  “I don’t know Manny because I didn’t have much to do with Billy after he came back, remember? I was with you. You were the one that didn’t want me associating with him. You were jealous, and if anybody was responsible for him feeling left out, it was you. You were the one that shunned him, you and his old buddies. He goes to war, you guys don’t. He comes back and you guys treat him like he doesn’t belong anymore, and you’ve got the nerve to point the finger at me.”

  “We were wrong, terribly wrong, and I’m just starting to realize it. I think he was a hero in that war,” Manny countered.

  “Hard to tell, I never heard much about what he did, or what happened,” Cassey said.

  Manny turned and looked again to the rear of the old cemetery, wondering why the crow had quit calling. He saw the rows of tombstones marching beneath the trees that got progressively older and larger as they recede into the gloomy depths, and felt a terrible sadness.

  “He never said much, I don’t think anyone ever knew.”

  “His brother said he was a sniper or something like that,” Cassey said quietly.

  Manny made a sound of disgust. “The golden haired boy, notice he’s not here today.”

  “They moved a long time ago, maybe they don’t know?”

  “The family is always notified,” Manny said. “They never really cared one way or the other. I guess Billy was the black sheep. I never told you about the time he saved me out hunting, did I? Billy saved my life.”

  “Billy saved you, when was this?” Cassey looked up into Manny’s face, concerned.

  Manny started laughing. “Billy saved me from a deranged rabbit.”

  “Oh come on?” Cassey exclaimed, a look of doubt on her face. “Ever since you’ve gone gaga over this guilt thing you don’t make much sense. How could a rabbit hurt you?”

  “We were hunting rabbits in that old black pickup we used to fool around in. Billy was driving and I was in the back. We put sand in the bed so we could get footing and then chase jack rabbits. One guy would drive and everybody else
would stand in the bed and shoot. One night it was just Billy and me, and he was driving. I wounded this rabbit, and when we stopped, it ran under the truck. I jumped out and was looking under the truck, and the damn thing came out after me, hissing and hopping on its hind legs right at me. I tried to shoot it, but the gun was empty. I panicked and threw the gun at the rabbit and took off running with the damn thing after me.”

  “The rabbit chased you?” Cassey chuckled. “You ran from a rabbit? How courageous.”

  “Damn right, it was wounded and really pissed. I told you, it was hissing at me. I’d never heard anything like that before and it scared the shit out of me. I was running and the damn thing was right on my heels.”

  “A killer rabbit huh? Geez Manny, you come up with some good ones, you really do; I’ll give you credit for that.”

  “I’m not shitting you Cassey, that thing was hopping on its hind legs, hissing and right on my ass. I can remember thinking, ‘feet don’t fail me now’. I was running and dogging like hell with that crazy rabbit right on my butt. Anyway, Billy ran after us and shot the rabbit on the dead run with my bow. I pissed my pants from laughing.”

  “You sure you didn’t piss them from being scared? You’re not kidding me about this?”

  “Probably that too, but it really happened. I’m not pulling your leg.”

  “A rabbit couldn’t hurt you,” Cassey snickered.

  “I wasn’t so sure at the time. That thing could have bit the shit out of me if Billy hadn’t shot it.”

  “He saved you from a killer rabbit and that makes him a hero?”

  “He reacted immediately!” Manny exclaimed. “How do you know, it could have been rabid or something? It was just the way Billy was. He was always there when you really needed him, wasn’t he?”

  “No, he wasn’t!”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I needed him, and he wandered off to some silly war, and I ended up falling in love with you while he was gone”

  “I’ve never heard you say that before. You went with me to get even with him for leaving you?”

  “Not to get even. I was lonely and you were persistent.”

  “I was second best?”

  “We were kids back then, remember. I’ve given all my best to you. We are what is important, not some guy way back, whenever.”

  “But, don’t you see? He was important to you, as I’m sure you were to him and he lost that,” Manny lamented.

  “If I was so goddamn important he would have stayed with me, but he went off to the great adventure. Come on, it’s getting cold, we can talk about this in the car.”

  *

  Manny and Cassey walked back toward the car.

  “Why are you so intense about all this now?” Cassey asked.

  “Donny,” Manny responded.

  Cassey stopped and held Manny tighter. “Do you think they’ll send him somewhere dangerous?”

  “I don’t know? I hope not. I don’t want the same thing to happen to him.”

  “Oh Manny, don’t even say that,” Cassey said with a shudder. “The country learned its lesson and is different now. I pray our son is not expendable, like those guys in Vietnam were.”

  “It’s funny you should say that. I mean, Billy did his duty and got nothing for it. So now we hope that can’t happen again; because we have a son that might be doing the same thing. Does Billy’s life mean any less, or are we overlooking the fact that what happened to those Vietnam guys did teach us a lesson and we are just now realizing it because now we have something to lose? What about what they lost?” Manny asked.

  “It was a long time ago and there’s nothing you can do about it now,” Cassey said.

  “But maybe it was my fault.”

  “Manny, for Christ sakes, you had nothing to do with his messed up life.”

  “But I think I did,” Manny moaned, stopping, turning Cassey, making her look at him.

  “How is any of this your fault?” she asked.

  “Andy McPherson and Bueler,” Manny said, a tone of disgust in his voice.

  “How do those two bozos figure into this?”

  “The fight, the one that got Billy put in jail for six months.”

  “He beat the hell out of Bueler, he deserved it.”

  “It was all a lie Cassey,” Manny said quietly, his head down. “They’re the ones that started the whole thing. That goddamn Andy was jealous of Billy. Andy was fighting the draft and Billy was all done with that shit. Billy was back and those guys were scared shitless about going.”

  “You never told me this Manny. You mean Billy got sent to jail, and it wasn’t his fault?” Cassey asked incredulously.

  “Yeah, we were out drinking beer and Vietnam came up. Andy was ragging on Billy for some war stories, but Billy wouldn’t say anything about it. Andy started popping off about Billy not saying anything, saying he was a coward; didn’t do anything in the war and all that. Anyway, Andy said that he wasn’t afraid, that he’d go and kick some gook ass. Billy kind of laughed and told him that he would never make it, that he didn’t have what it took to stay alive. Andy got real pissed and Billy tried to calm him down. Billy said that it was all bullshit and that anyone that went was stupid, because the war was all political and had nothing to do with fighting communism, and to stay the hell away from it. Andy was drunk and wouldn’t shut up. Anyway you know that dumb fuck Bueler, he’d do anything to impress Andy, so he blindsided Billy and that’s how it started. Billy didn’t have the club, Bueler did.”

  “Oh shit Manny, why didn’t you say something?” Cassey asked, grabbing Manny’s arm and stopping him.

  “I, I didn’t think it was that serious. Christ, it was over in a second and Bueler wasn’t hurt that bad, just a seriously screwed up nose bleed. Andy wouldn’t let it go, and next thing we know we’re talking to the sheriff and that rube was always trying to impress Andy’s dad. When it got to court, I was afraid to speak up because I didn’t want to lose my job. Andy told me if I told the truth his dad would fire me.

  “I heard the trial was kind of nasty? I’m glad I didn’t go,” Cassey said.

  “I’m glad you didn’t either. It was a railroad. That fuckin lawyer, the prosecutor, really pulled some nasty shit on Billy. He made Billy admit to killing people and all that. Old man McPherson sat there with a smug grin on his face eating it up. He told me that nobody messes with a McPherson and gets away with it. Money talks.”

  “Billy had a lawyer,” added Cassey.

  “Andrews? That shit for brains! He was sucking up to the McPhersons, still is. He knows where his bread is buttered. I can’t remember it that well, but I know that he didn’t do much lawyering for Billy, kind of left him out to dry. I think that was the point of no return for Billy. I didn’t see him much after that, after he got out. He didn’t smile anymore, and was so elusive and then he just disappeared.”

  “That must have been the shits, sitting in jail for something he didn’t do?” Cassey said, sadly. “I never did like Andy or Bueler.” Cassey looked at Manny. “So what are you going to do?”

  “Find out about Billy.”

  “Oh shit Manny, what the hell is there to find? So he might have got dumped on, so what?”

  “We’re so intent on glorifying our present heroes, a firefighter stubs his toe and the next morning he’s on the Today Show. Don’t get me wrong, we need to give credit where credit is due, but we might owe some of those guys like Billy.”

  “It’s not going to do Billy a hell of a lot of good now.”

  “I know, but this is something I feel like I need to do.”

  “What if you find something that doesn’t make Billy look too good? You could make it worse you know,” Cassey said.

  “I know that he was a great guy before he went to war. If there is anything bad, it would have to be after, and I want to know why?” Manny stated.

  “How do you propose doing all this?”

  “The business runs itself, and I need to find something else
to do. I’ve got good people and I’ve been thinking of taking some time off for quite a while now. I’ve never seen much of the country, like I promised myself, and here’s a good excuse to do it.”

  “Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me.”

  “Aren’t all men supposed to have them?”

  “Apparently!”

  “Well, don’t you think this is better than trying a younger woman?”

  “A younger woman would be an ‘end’ of life crisis, Mr!”

  “See, I’m doing the right thing,” Manny said, as he opened the passenger car door for Cassey.

  *

  “Shit, I hate this place when it starts this crap,” Manny said, looking out the front windshield, as it started to snow. “Especially this early,” he gloomily added as they drove though the large stone and iron gates, leaving the cemetery.

  “Can’t take another winter, huh? Of course, I hear the same gripe year after year, just about this time.”

  “I cannot figure out what you like about winter?” Manny commented, looking over at Cassey with a disgusted look on his face.

  “It’s peaceful, laid back, Manny. It smells so clean. If you would just learn to enjoy the solitude.”

  “You got that right, nothing to do and nowhere to go, solitary confinement.” Manny moved forward in his seat, resting his arms and chin on the steering wheel, peering over, looking intently out through the windshield. “Look at that, it’s getting heavier.”

  “Oh, chill out! Just think the seasons are coming. Turkey Day, Christmas, your birthday,” Cassey chuckled.

  “Had to spoil it didn’t you.”

  “Can’t do much about getting older.”

  “It’s not the getting older part. It’s just such a lousy time of the year to have to celebrate anything.”

  “Tell you what sport, we can switch. You can have ‘my’ birthday. How does that make you feel?”

  “Actually, better.”

  “Good, because I wasn’t planning on using it anymore because I ‘am’ concerned about becoming an old bag.”

  “Ah, old girl, I’ll never rub your nose in it.”

  “Thanks Manny,” Cassey said sarcastically. “How are you going to go about this Billy Palmer thing? You are serious?”

  “Yes, I’m serious, but I don’t have any idea how to do it?”